I had hoped that today would have started like any normal school day for Nick, but from the moment that I woke up, I knew it wasn’t going to be like that. When I got to Nick’s room to wake him and get him started on his day, he was already awake. That was clue number one that Nick was stressed.

On a normal school day, I wake Nick, give him his medication and then his breakfast, lay out his clothes, argue about how long of a “rest” he can have before getting dressed, prompt him several times from the other room to get dressed, help him tie his shoes (he has never been able to “get” how to tie shoes), prompt him to brush his teeth, have the backpack ready, shave if he didn’t the night before and put on the necessary under the arm stink preventer. Showers are always done the night before, or Nick would never make it to school.

Now I know that sounds like a lot of help for a kid who is seventeen years old. While Nick’s body may be that of a teenager, his emotional level is that of a much younger child, and many times he seems so much closer to Sydney’s age (five and a half) than you could believe.

So, the medication was given, and the food ready to eat. Nick’s expression was a fierce frowning scowl. When I asked him what was wrong, he really couldn’t answer for himself. Instead I had to play a bit of twenty questions with him to figure out what the heck was going on this morning. These were clues number two, three, and four.

It comes down to one thing, Nick is stressed about returning to school. The kid’s routines have been completely shot and he’s worried. He knows that his outburst with the threats were wrong, he knows that there is to be a meeting when he returns to school, and he knows that there are consequences. In Nick’s mind, he can misinterpret things easily. He has a hard time reading body language and facial expressions. His thinking is immature compared to his chronological age, and the kid is just plain scared. He will assume things and convince himself that the assumptions are true until they are otherwise proved. Because of this and many other reasons that were apparent this morning, I am postponing his return until tomorrow. And the school will just have to understand.

There are other things that the school will have to understand. I’ve seen things with Nick this week that are really making me question things. For the past week, I have not seen the child that always came home angry or agitated. I have not seen explosive anger and defiance, and I have not seen any indication that Nick’s mental state may be deteriorating in any way, shape or form.

What have I seen this past week? I have seen a child laughing and interacting with me. A child who when corrected on the beginning of an outburst, self corrects himself, a child who once could not spend 5 minutes unsupervised with his baby sister behaving as a wonderful, loving, caring and supportive big brother. Instead of rigid routines of play, I’ve seen compromise and understanding. Instead of scowls of frustration and anger, I’ve seen smiles and heard laughter.

In an entire week, I have seen a small handful of non-violent and non-aggressive outbursts that were over in under 5 minutes flat. I have not once seen the child that the class clinician described, nor have I seen the slightest hint of a change in his mental status.

I know that I speak often of the challenges of raising Nick. I probably share more than most people would, and sometimes more than I think I should. There is still such a stigma in our world when the topics of mental health or developmental disabilities come up, and by speaking up about Nick and our challenges, I am hoping in some way that I can put a dent in that stigma, and the misconceptions that still exist out there. In part, I think some of the misconceptions and stigmas exist because of two reasons; one, these are not always visible disabilities. It’s not like Nick has physical crutches for people to see, for all intents and purposes, he looks like any other teenager, but his behaviors say otherwise. Sometimes his behaviors border on being bizarre and I think it’s hard for some people to understand that a child who looks so normal can act in such ways. Two, it has been barely more than one generation since most with Nick’s type of disabilities were placed in institutions and away from the public eye. It was only in the 1960’s that laws changed to give rights to those with mental health and developmental disabilities. This changed many things, including committing someone against their will when they were clearly not a threat. However, it also had it’s drawbacks. Some of the outpatient services have dwindled because of budget cuts, case management has become nearly impossible at best, and those with hidden disabilities tend to fall through the cracks when they need help. If they don’t have family or friends who are committed to helping them as an outside support system, it can spell disaster.

I’ve been lucky. I can be here for Nick, and for those of you who have gotten to know me through my time blogging, I have been lucky to get to know you, to feel your words of support and encouragement. You may think your words are trivial, but they are not. Every positive remark, every word of sympathy and understanding have so much positive power behind them. You say you don’t know how I can do all I do? Frankly, I don’t know either! But I can tell you one thing, each of you are my rock. There have been times where I have been at my wits end with everything, and your support through your comments has often been enough to carry me through the rough times and brighten my day. Thank you, from the depths of my heart. Your friendship and compassion are humbling and I treasure each and every one of you!

I spoke to Nick’s teacher a few minutes ago to explain why I am postponing his return until tomorrow. His teacher completely understood and “gets it”. Thank goodness! I really didn’t think he would have a problem with it since he and I have spent a great deal of time this year working together through meetings, phone calls and emails. He knows that I have Nick’s behavior’s pegged, and can see things coming from a mile away on most days. We have agreed that tomorrow is going to be a much better day, and now that he is aware that Nick is feeling stressed about his return, he will be able to be more supportive to Nick’s needs upon his return.

Nick is still smiling this morning. The sun is shining in our world and it feels like everything is going to turn out just fine.